Hmm

So i decided that instead of finding someone to listen to my problems, i will vent through the interweb.

Many years ago a man came into my life and helped me realized that not all men are the same. Not all women are the same. We are all individuals, with different skills, wants, and needs. I seem to be very different around different people. Closing myself off to some while being overly open with others. Generally i find that i have a low tolerance for people in general. And that i enjoy spending a majority of time outside of work alone.  As this happens, i ask myself why? What is making me not want to be around anyone? Why am i feeling upset or sad. Why is it that sometimes i cant identify what i am feeling?

TBI Blog Post

SLEEP ISOLATION CONSISTENCY


What are the main problems for the individual, and their family?

How do the problems affect functioning in daily life?

What are the personal goals of the suffering individual?

To what extent are the executive deficits related to other problems in areas such as language, memory, and perception?

How do the individuals abilities compare to those who are non-disabled or share the same disability?

How is this person and their familities coping?

-Cognitive and physical
+processing speed
+seizures
+Executive dysfunction
-Communication,  inability to understand
-Social and emotional
-Financial
-Insensitivity


Adjusting to the day to day life with severe frontal lobe TBI. Long term effects How TBI influences life choices.

My Spinal Cord Injury 3/30/2017+

Hello My name is Anna Jones. I am a Traumatic Brain Injury Survivor and Success story. Everyday I count my blessings. Today I am counting every moment.
One Two

Day one of my new routine. Working 1st shift in a new home with a new company, everything is going as planned. Nothing out of the ordinary other than the confusion of how i am going to enter the patient's home. It is now after work, I go home to change out of my scrubs and into something suitable to wear to as first date of picnic and hiking. It is such a beautiful day out, i couldnt have expected anything better. He packed peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, my favorite flavor of chips, cookies, and real soda.  Sitting on a bench down the trail, we had a conversation that only friends of many years would have. As well as a stuffed fox, that i named foxtrot. The way his eyes light up, mesmerized me. The best part of all, was that i made it through the entire hiking trail without peeing my pants. Well, i guess we should head to Madison, Dungeons and Dragons starts at 5. 

Three Four

It is 9:30pm. We are singing along to our favorite songs with the windows down on this cool spring evening. Wind blowing through our hair. We are so close to my home, I cant wait for him to kiss me goodnight. Turning left onto Lily Flagg, I see headlights, hear the screeching of tires. A car hits where i am sitting going 55 miles an hour. The car flips twice before landing on its side, trapping me in it. I look up to see bright lights; and hear the voice i have been listening to all day, screaming. I can feel the all too familiar feeling of blood running down my face. As i look up to grab the hand that is reaching down to me from the outside of the car, i see my finger flapping in the breeze. The man i was in the car with is asking me if i am okay. He is crying and begging for me to be okay. "Im so sorry" he repeats. I grab ahold of his hand with my already numb hand. "Dont let go" I plea. There is a face of a woman in blue looking down at me. She asks if i am okay, i reply "I have a brain injury, I can feel blood running down my face. Im okay, take care of Kelton." Another paramedic rushes to my attention. "I have to pee." "You might as well go no, because this is going to take a while." A blanket was thrown down to me to cover myself up with. They broke the windshield in, i climbed out. "This way" a cop said to me motioning twords the ambulance. I told them to wait a minute. "Im going to give him a kiss before i get in. After doing so i asked that they hand me my phone and purse. My phone was in a pile of glass in the middle of the road next to the car. In the ambulance, was a gentleman sitting, I asked if he was the driver of the other car. He was, and i got to shake his hand. Kelton rode upfront and called my mom to let her know what happened on the way to huntsville hospital. 

Five Six

Beep beep. I hear my vitals dropping. Stabilizing. Dropping. Stabilizing. Unfamiliar faces come into my vision. "Hi Anna, this is Robert. Kelton's father. I had him wait outside, would you like him to come in?" "I dont want him to see me like this." Too late, he was already beside me. Holding my good hand, the left one. "Hi Anna, Im Lisa. Kelton's mom. Would you like me to clean off some of this blood from your face?" "Yes, please. Could you also put some blankets on me, im cold." Even though i had 4 blankets ontop of me, it was until they injected the dye for the contrast CT that i was able to be warm. "Anna" I knew my mom was there, even if i couldnt see her. When i was finally able to i saw the familiar facial expression that i had not seen since November 2003. 

Its now 3:30 a.m. The doctor just now is getting into see me. Anna, you have a laceration of your middle finger on your right hand, along with several abrations. You also have a laceration on the left side of your forehead which we are going to staple. Several nurses and techs came and left, poking and prodding. Finally the doctor comes into sew my finger back on and staple my forehead. No fluid or medication. His family was there with me the entire time, because he didnt want to leave me and they were his ride home.
Seven Eight

I walk to the car, with my mom and Joe. Driving back to their house, my mom and Joe were talking about me being able to fall asleep when we got to their house. "Dont worry" I told them "Im going to crash when we get back to your house." "Youve already done that" Joe said "So make sure we are back home before you do it again."
Nine Ten
The next morning I couldnt see through the tears, to see what time it was. All i knew was that i needed medication and fast. My mom drives me to the pharmacy and picks up some medication. What they gave me at the hospital didnt last even 8 hours. At this point I realize that i have lost the level of independence that I continuously fight and work so hard to keep. My mom wants someone around me around the clock, I cant argue with it because of my current condition. She drives me back to my house, where she sets me up on the couch comfortably. Well, as comfortable as i can be wearing a neck brace and not being able to use my dominant hand. Being in constant pain. 8 out of 10 on the pain scale, even with norco(hydrocodon). Not being able to get much sleep, not only because of the pain, but because of the people coming in and out, and my already poor sleeping habits. A friend and i had to completely redesign my living room to be able to make it accessible and comfortable for me and whoever is staying with me. Also so that i would have a place to put the flowers that people bring by. I must say it looks much better. As the days go by, my pain and energy levels fluctuate. Ive called work to let them know what is going on. They cannot wait for me to get back to work and are so understanding and caring, I could not ask for better people in my life. Spoken to family up in Virginia and North Carolina about what happened. Done my best to update the friends i have, on my current condition. Kelton stayed with me as much as possible. Not only keeping me company, but helping with chores and personal care. Being nursed back to health couldnt be a better experience I had a doctor appointment for my hand. They said that i do not require surgergy at this point, bu that i will probably not have feeling in the finger where they reattached it and up. Already I have an appointment to see the spine and neurologist to see what needs to be done about my neck. The doctor assured me that the bones would heal on their own and that i would not need surgery. Over the next couple of weeks, while recovering Kelton was still by my side. His family had also grown to like me. My finger regained feeling, and i was able to return to work a month later. I survived yet another car wreck. Praise Jesus.

Movies .....

Mirrors (1,2)
De Ja Vu
Dark Knight
Stay 2005
Poltergeist
Dear John
Titanic
Waterboy
Mr Deeds
Silence of the lambs
Blades of glory
Rent
Edge of tomorrow
Jarhead
Full Metal Jacket
Straight outta compton
Inception
Sixth Sense
Grave Encounters (1,2)
Land before time
Balto
Frozen
Hulk
Ant man
Howls moving castle
Akira
Reverence
Cival war
Batman vs. Superman
Liar Liar
Daddy daycare
Kindergarten Cop
Men in black (1,2)
Taxi
Guess who
Silence of the lambs
Jeepers Creepers (1, 2)
Hardcore henry
Mothman prophecies
The shining
Shutter island
The number 23

Prayers and Answers

Lord, i lift up to you your angel Clara. I ask that you continue to bless her and the the wonderful people in her life. I pray that you give Matt and his mom a fighting chance to get back onto Social Security and Food stamps. I ask that you bring better health to my mother and my father. Bring peace of mind and strength to me through these trying times. Those who have done my wrong, i pray for their hearts that they may recognize what they have done. I ask that you make the necessary changes you wish to make in my life, for you know what you are doing. And you know the timing in which you wish to do them. Thank you for all that you have blessed me with. My house, my car, cats. The food on my table, the bed in my room. But thank you most of all for always being there for me lord, that is the greatest gift you could give me. Amen.

Lord, I am coming to you in my weakest of moments. Begging that you show me the reasons for the hardships that you are putting me threw. I do not see the solutions to the problems that you have faced me with. And i am tired, tired of not knowing. Not being in control of the situations around me. I am praying that you answer me, how you do so lord does not matter to me. I need you. I need your comfort and your guidance. Give me the strength to surrender to you and not give into the worldly trials and my enemies. Give me strength to keep away from those that keep me from enjoying life and being myself. I am tainted lord, and i have allowed people to do so to me. Give me wisedom to know which ones are good for me and which ones are bad for me. Also the wisedom to know what extent to trust others, and how much time and energy to put into them. Make me into the beautiful woman that you wish me to be. And give me peace of mind while you mold and shape me into her. You are powerful, and you have powerful plans for me. Amen.

Lord, i need you. I need comfort, i am unable to find peace within myself. Renew me and wipe my slate clean. I have done very horrible things, and i am sorry.

Lord, i surrender everything to you. The pain, the worrying, the problems. You have control over what happens

Lord, i ask that you remember your children matt and amy today. As i know that they are going through a very rough time. I pray you bring me wisedom on how to handle my personal relationships. I pray that you give me clarity on the decision that i need to make regarding college. And thank you for my mom, and her husband Joe. I hope to have them in my life for as long as possible. And that there not be so much bitterness between my mom and i. That you again remove the individuals out of my life, if they do not serve a good purpose or lesson. And that you bring those who will help me grow into my life.

Thank you lord for answering my unspoken prayer of being able to feel my finger again. Thank you for showing me the guardian angel that you set for me through the expirience of a car crash. Thank you lord for the lessons that it has taught me. And the reminder of what you continue to bless me with. Your grace, your humbleness and your love. Lord, i lift up to your angel Kelton. Please relieve him of the guilt that burdens him. The guilt of the injuries that i sustained in the car crash that he caused. Please give him the confidence to become the (wo)man that he wants to be. I pray that you give him the strength to show his parents who he is becoming, and how he really wants to be. Thank you for blessing him with a new car and a tax return. Amen.

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My story 10/14/2003+

Have you ever seen someone in a wheel chair, and starred or looked down on them? Maybe gave them a look of disgust? Ever seen someone stumbling to take a step, laughed at them? Ever seen someone that had bright red scars all over one side of their face, and wished that you hadn't? Have you ever found yourself thinking how inconvenient individuals like such are to society? Thought maybe the world would be better without that person? Well i have been this person. This is my story. October 14th, 2003.

Riding in the car with my mom, on the way to school. -The road is under construction, and its dangerous. -Turning into the school, my mom turned back to give me something. The car went off the road, went down into a ditch, and hit a tree. Which just happens to be, where i was sitting, in the car. The metal frame of the convertible penetrated the right side of my skull. Imbedding in, and damaging my brain. 
My mom had to kick the doors of the car away from my limp and unconscious body.They had to shut down the road. I was lifted from the scene, in helicopter, to Farifax hospital. Where they rushed me into brain surgery. Removed the skull around my forehead. As well as the large portion of unsavable brain. The right side of my frontal lobe. Put what was left of my skull into my right abdomen. 
Upon waking up, and looking around I realized that
 I couldnt move, or speak. 
They sent me to Kennedy Krueger /John Hopkins in Baltimore. Due to being in a coma for two weeks, I had lost the ability to talk, my memory, and mobility. Host of all I lost my independence. I had to have so done with me 24/7, and care around the clock. The room was very decorative. Flowers, stuffed animals, but most of all decorated with family friends and various visitors.
 The first time i looked into a mirror, I did not see me.
All I saw was the fear of what i had become. No long blonde hair. A zig zag scar reaching from ear to ear. Scars across the entire right side of my face. I was not the pretty little girl the last time I looked in a mirror.
The first time that I was weighed, I was 134 pounds, when before I was 98.
Although the outlook was not good, I was put through all the rehabilitative services that they had to offer.
The cereal casts on my legs prevented me from being able to move them, but kept my feet from being stuck in a limp position. Later i unraveled the casts, all the way off.
A day in my life in the hospital.
 Therapy started. I would wake up and start my day with occupational therapy. l
Learning how to get dressed and how to brush my hair, teeth, etc. Someone would shower me, because i wasn't able to. They would shave my legs and comb the stubbles I had for hair. I was unable to do even the most basic of personal hygine tasks. Throughout the day
I would do therapy. Physical, Occupational, Speech, Recreational. Breaks in between, of course.
The first step that i took in physical therapy hurt so much. Just to stand was more painful than anyone would be able to imagine. Not only that, i had to climb stairs. The stairs of the hospital. I would have to talk, rather try to push out and form words. They didn't sound like words very much in the beginning. More like grunts of anger and pain.
 And there was this big room for recreational therapy, in which i would do crafts, and watch movies. Talk to other people who were recovering also.
All that I remember from this was always being agitated, and intense agony.  
Veering away from the medical side of my story, and instead focusing on the personal. The things that i remember the most. The stitches in my head. How much my muscles would always hurt. The scar on my abdomen. The way i looked. How people would talk to me. Hold my hand and cry. No one was familiar.

As soon as I was strong enough to, my dad took me out of the hospital. To the movie theatre. We saw brother bear. More so than the movie itself I remember not being able to figure out why everyone was staring at me, giving me weird looks. My dad had to explain to me that it was because i was different. Hunched over in a wheelchair, wearing a helmet. Red scars all over my face. 

Before i got to go home, they had to take what was left of my skull, out of my abdomen, and make a new skull out of it. Using paste and other medical compensations.
Laying on the bed there, i remember squishing something and hearing liquid.
When i looked up, i saw that it was a tube, and connected to  my head.
When they sent me home, i still was not fully rehabilitated.
I had to do 5 1/2 years of every rehabilitative therapy I had so while in the hospital.

For a unmemorable amount of time I was out through homeschooling. But
 the day i went back to school, is the day that i first remember wanting to kill myself. Everyone was so happy and smiling, and pretty. I was not. Barely able to walk, scarred face. Unable to speak well still.
The only way people would look at me, was in disgust. No one would talk to me. The faces I did remember, had moved on, and made new friends. And continued to look at me, the same way as others.
 Over the years, I recovered. I got many facial surgeries to fix the damage done. My hair grew out. But i had gained alot of weight. And everyone still did not like me. I noticed that i had problems, that other teenagers didn't have. I never really fit in with anyone, leading isolation and further emotional trauma.
I distanced myself, withdrew from reality. Every time i would think about someone, i would think about the pain of knowing that i was a monster, to them. People would bully me in school, call me names. Pick on me, for something that i didn't make happen and could only do my best about.
For years and years, i was suicidal. Had become numb. The medications i had to take to deal with life, was too much. I would cut, wanting to feel something, hopefully worse than what I was already feeling.
 This stopped after a number of years.And i tried other ways to help myself feel better. Nothing helped.
I had grown so bitter, and hateful to the world. Through all of that, nothing good came out of

I look at people for who they are, not what they look like. Cause inside of that broken, scarred body of mine, there was a girl. Struggling to get stronger. Tortured by being looked at as a monster. The girl that use to be everyone's friend. And everyone used to love her. Now not only a TBI survivor, but a success story.


There were a lot of things that i did not add. Merely because people wouldn't be able to handle it.
But there were good times also.
I would be able to poke my forehead, and feel my brain. Really cool stuff like that. Which now, i can just see it throbbing when i pull my hair back. 

A bad thing that came from all this. My brother doesn't like me. Solely because of this. It tares my heart to pieces, knowing that i cant change that.

No one would know, either. If I hadn't said anything.
Being that person gave me the passion and the ability to care for others. As well as a unique understanding of how people really are.

I don't know what you have taken from my story, but I have taken my story and turned it as a lesson, a lesson to not judge others, to accept and love them for who they are and what they are in that very moment, because that is All you have and all there is.