of course this goes along with being dominant versus being submissive
also that these relationships tend to fail because one of them decides that they don't want it or the other individual anymore. and is gonna be for number of reasons from OI found someone else to I'm too dont want to deal with them.
the successful relationships contained of both partners continuously wanting the other individual in the relationship with them
I take abuse from people and men because its all I know. Almost as if I'm comfortable being abused.
Thinking to myself one evening I realized they no matter how bad life is, at the same time it will never get better than it is. I will not get younger, one day i will not be able to feel the range of emotions, or have any more expiriences like I do now. Not onlt that but the circumstances and the people in my life will never be the same, this is the only momemt I have like it. That reminds me to be grateful and enjoy every thing and everyone unconditionally
At night is when i usually get the most emotional. Tonight i am emotional about the thought of loosing my mom. And as much resentment i have twords my dad, i am going to be devastated when he is no longer here. Not even a call away. Im going to be devastated when i no longer have my loved ones a call or a 14 hour drive away. People can tell how much i care about everything in my life, from how much i worry. I do not have an anxiety disorder, i just care too much. I am beyond grateful for how fortunate i have been. Currently i have less in the bank than i have due in bills. But i know despite, i am not going to loose my house, i am in reach of loosing what quality of life i have. But i will have my life, and that is more than i can ask for.
I am self concious about my scars, my stretchmarks, my less than symetrical facial features and body. But underneath i have strong muscles and bones. My body is functional, i do not have any limiations. Limitations i would have, had i not busted my ass day in and day out. And i am grateful for my ability to do so. There will be a day when i do not have that ability, even mentally. I will not have the even the little amount of endurance i have now. Not because of my age, but because of my brain. The wiring and the chemicals in my brain are working time and a half every minute of every day. I have accepted my fate. I am enjoying all that i have, and i will do so to the fullest.
The other night the sweetest thing happened to me. My mailman came to my house one evening to bring me chocolate and a brochure to the church him and his wife attend. Upon telling my friends about it at the gym, one of them told me that she has been looking for a church to go to. But she stated that she is very picky about what kind of church. "Too many make me uncomfortable." I referred her to a local non-denominational church. I am hoping that she will feel comfortable in this church. I attended one Sunday with another friend of mine, although it is not my kind of church, it might be for her. In one of my favorite leisure books it reads that there are different church for people with different levels of faith. If we all had the same level of faith there would only be one kind of church. I have not found a church that suites my level of faith. As i believe that the church is where you learn how to live as a christian and fellowship with others that are like minded, rather than a place to grow a relationship with Jesus.
Through all of my weight loss and transformation, I realize I am no more confident than I was before. The only thing that has changed is how people react to me.
have you ever been layng awake at night thinking about the circumstances you have been put through. reminise over what you did, or could have done
contemplate the meaning and reason of the relationships that you have in your life. personal. professional.
Through the past year i have undergone a great deal of transformation via personal development. I decided one day that i was not living the life that i wanted to have. And have been building the one that i want since. As it is well known that it is dangerous to be complacent, i will admit i am complacent as long as i am learning and achieving. A fear that i have is that i will achieve the life that i desire, and will be unhappy with it.
So what does the life i desire entail? Well it would have the be the simple american dream. House.It doesnt have to be the biggest or the nicest but as long as all of my needs are met. Friends. To maintain the wonderful friends and new friends i will have. Spouse. To have a faithful spouse to have fun and grow with. Kids. For them to be smart kind healthy and happy Career. Pets. To have for companionship. To live comfortably. By the age of 23 I will have three of the five. That to me, is living large.
I dont have alot of money, I dont have alot of material items. I am comfortable, and that is all that matters.
Of all the friends that I have had in the past 9 years. Only a handful of them have sti uck by my side throught the good and the bad. I have found that those few individuals are less like me, and more of what I wish I was. Seeing them as more of role models. Not that they are super heros or that they are better people than me. Simply they have qualities that I lack, qualities that I wish that I could possess.
Sitting thinking about all of the friends and all of the peopple that i have encountered n my life i am torn between wanting to listen to myself and wanting to listen to others. On one hand i have my own expiriences and beliefs on the other they have their own expiriences and beliefs. And we each can only speak for our own. And help others to the individuals extent.. I go to different people for advice and opinons on different topics depending on the area they are most able to help.
There are relative terms such as happy, sad, right wrong which are circumstancial to the indiduals chosen beliefs and code for life. As such we can only feel things for ourselves, we cannot feel how someone else feels or preceive things from our own understanding.
Everything in the world has its own vibrations, we need to find the people the places and the things that we vibe with and stick with those.
I asked a seasoned coworker of mine what lesson they would teach me if they could. Their response was to not rush everything. That your teens are for discovering yourself. 20s for discovering what you want to do with your life. 30s for creating that life. 40s for mastering that life. 50-70 for enjoying the life that you have created. 70+ for enjoying what is left of your life.
Out of all the conversations i have with a particular friend of mine, my favorite is how the perception of ourselves and the world is ultimatley only as relative as the perception and beliefs of others.
Personally i like to simplify everything and everyone. A philosophy i have chosen to live by is 'life is simple, not easy'. This has greatly helped me in my day to day life, making it through the day more of. I dont know what
For so long I had turned my emotions off, more of chose to not allow myself to feel emotions for anyone. I concentrated on just doing what I needed to so. Just last night I realized that I had opened myself to them again, it just took the right perso. Leading as an example to he by opening his self up. I realized that emotions aren't something to be supressed rather expressed. But of course only to the right people for the right things.
One person told me that I am very guarded about myself, and that it is hard to get to know me, that is not the way that I want to be.
I have many thought about the recent issues that have been going on in america. Mostly having to do with how the people are affected by them. With the cops, and the government *system*. We live and work in fear. Fear that if we will have consequences resulting in damage of quality of life. For example, if we dont pay our bills we will go to jail, if we do not comply with rules set by the government we will go to jail and be seperated from our loved ones. Abiding results in nothing less than meerly fighting to keep up. Expectations have been placed on all of us. Expectations to become sheeple, to not have opinions and think for ourselves. We may fight to have these freedoms, but efforts will be made in vain. Recently i have having anxiety about bills. Was given a ticket for doing something that was not illegal, did not harm anyone or myself. The amount of this ticket is $262. The offense was not yielding emergency vehicle (pulled into the left shoulder of the road). In the state of Alabama if you have 12 points against your license, it will be suspended. In one setting i recieved 9 points. This just goes to show how serious the system is about earning money, and enforcing us to be sheeple.
At the hospital visiting a friend, I talked with another friend of hers that was vsiiting. I tend to be the person that like to know every ones life story rather than their favorite movie or current events. This woman that asked me in return what my story was. I began to tell her some about my past. Well the past four years of it at least. Doing so, led me to my current situations. I admitted that the only thing outside of work that i had to talk about was the relationships that i have been in, and am currently in. I found so many similarities in the story that it scared me. Both are with controlling and emotionally manipulating. Unhealthy but stable. I have been pondering on the conversation all day. And have had several other conversations over the past month with friends about the same topic. Realizing that i have fallen into the same patterns that i had before i obtained a healthy mindset and lifestyle. These patterns are inevitably going to lead to the same results, despite the reassurance of my current boyfriend. Several red flags have come up and i find myself not doing anything to change the situation. Not out of laziness, out of fear. I know what needs to be done, and how to do it. But i am waiting for the right time and the right place. When i myself realized what was happening, i put out the stops on the behaviors that were being displayed to me. I was very quick to do so. But am currently lacking the energy and the willpower to continue, due to other circumstances happening simultaneously. Convinience is what has keep my tolerance for the current situation in my personal life afloat.
I am not looking for the type of relationship that is just having the other person around. I am also not looking to be in a relationship with someone that needs to be around me all of the time.
QUALITY TIME
AFFIRMATIONS
GIFTS
TOUCH
ACTS OF SERVICE
Messaging back and forth on face book with a friend that i haven't talked to in four years, we came across the topic of relationships. How to manage them, in which their answer for that was to just not do them. At one point this was my mentality. Present day, i am willing to be in a relationship with someone, but am unwilling to tolerate any b.s., some would say that i shouldn't be trying to have a relationship with this mentality. But this is the smart way to handle relationships in my opinion. It keeps the relationship and your own emotional health safe. Some would say that a relationship is variable based on the needs and wants of each individual "As long as they make you happy and treat you right" than there is no reason to not be in it. I believe that this is not the case. You are not always going to be happy and the other person cannot always meet your needs and your wants. Everyday issues will prevent such from happening a majority of the time.
My metality is rather choosing to be with that person because you want to be with that person. You want to grow with them, share with them. Encourage and support them. You want them to be there for you, not only when you want them, but when you need them. Sure there are friends for that, but you should go to your partner first and be able to confide in them. As long as there is a healthy balance of reciprocity and compromise, there should be somewhat of a healthy and successful longterm relationship. Having the same morals and values helps a relationship, but is not necessary.
As far as determining whether to break it off with someone or to keep pursueing. A friend of mine suggested to look at the faults of the relationship and determine what you are okay with and what you are not okay with accepting.
So many people say to be with someone that makes you happy. I feel that we should not rely on someone else to make us happy. That we need to be our own source of happiness. That external circumstances should not swag us one way or the other. Nor should we compromise our emotions based on others and their opinions. We are individuals for a reason. Instead i rely on my gut feeling that if some one or something isnt right, i dont allow it in my life. That i guess would be how i guage my happiness/peace of mind.
I try my best to live as simple as possible. Good friends, Good job, Good house, Good heart. Good food. The most important thing is keeping a good attitude when things arent so good.
As many things as i have done wrong in my days, good things continue to happen to me, and i am fortunate to have made it through life so far as well as i have.
There are several individuals in my life that i feel resentful twords, but nonetheless i have respect for them. I feel that holding negative feelings only damages the psyche. A happy brain is a healthy brain. I for one do not like any type of unhealty relationship or feelings get the best of me. Infact i dont settle for anything kind of person or relationship that is not healthy.
The healthiest form of relationship is one where you can both be your complete selves, and come together as one, and be eachothers support, comfort, and friend. To take care of eachother selflessly, and happily. To always appreciate having your other in your life.
I realized thaI realized that i loved him, when all of my negative thoughts in my head and chaotic mix of emotions in my body calmed. When I was able to step back from all the words of the people pursuing me, did not overpower my gut instinct of knowing that it was right. I realized that i did not have to jusify my decision and actions to myself. That i just let be, what was happening to continue to happen. I chose love over being alone. I chose to have the support of someone else rather than being my only supporter. When i did this, i also realized how much love i had around me already. My friends, family, and romantic partner.
I did not want to be complascent. The moment i did this i changed my way of thinking and my way of feeling. I chose to be willing to let go of myself, and start over from the beginning. In doing so, i lost some good aspects of myself and my life. But i gained what i never had before, and that is peace of mind. I decided i wanted to be healthy and happy. And that is exactly what i did over the course of 4 and a half years. Currently i am facing new battles, but am able to overcome them with maturity and grace.
A friend at work and i were talking about relationships. Recently i have been dating a gentleman who is 9 years older than me. She went on to suggest that older men tend to date younger girls because they can easier mold them into the perfect significant other for them. I agree with what she said, and i have chosen to not want to marry someone like that nor continue to be a molding pot.
Today i had a conversation with a friends mom. She and i were talking about why i tend to attract the wrong kind of men. The reason she suggested was that i try to see the best in them which casues me to overlook the bad qualities that they have. And she went on to tell me that they probably catch onto that and use it against me. I have made the choice to no longer do that.
I will know if someone or something is not right for me if i feel i have to justify it or them. I am no longer going to stand for anything that does not feel right. And i am not going to worry about or back down from that if i am unable to communicate why.
It is okay for me to be selfish and to do what i need to do to be happy. I dont need to worry about how i will affect others.
Telling someone in the car today about how much i love my job. I told them all of the things that i loved doing. I love being flexible with my hours and being casual. Despite the large amount, i love doing the paperwork. As well as how important i am. Recently i found out that the program that i have been in for the past 3 years is going to be ending a year from now. But the family that i have been providing respite for is going to pay me out of pocket because i am the only one other than the mother that is able to work with the child.
In a waiting room, an older gentleman approached me with conversation. This gentleman was wearing very nice designer clothes, and shoes. Holding a cane and wearing a back brace, I couldn't help but ask him if that was the reason that he was not sitting down. After telling me his name he began Telling me that he has been having a hard time finding employment, since sustaining a Brain Injury. He as telling me how hard it is to comprehend what is being said when there is more than one person talking at a given time. That his college degrees have gone to waste. That he used to own several businesses and be very successful and social. How hard it is to have normal conversations with people. After this conversation i found myself relating my daily experiences to his, and was disappointed in myself. Disappointed in myself for forgetting to be thankful everyday for what i am able to do, and the lessons that things i am not able to do have taught me. I found myself also questioning how everything would be able to change in a moment, what things i would never be able to get back.
I was having a longtime friend of mine, who was talking about relationships and he was telling me about how men are committment phobes and dont think about marriage and stuff like women do. I agreed with him on the second thing he said. But i believe that if a man truely wants commitment he is not going to be afraid of it.
I tend to always try to get advice and life lessons from Enjoy life. Dont worry about people.
Someone said that one of his friends didnt have many guy friends because girls tend to be nicer to him. That being said this friend of his tends to be very beta with a christian complex, and is also a physics major and computer nerd. But i do believe it to be true that girls tend to be less judgemental twords men, but not always twords other girls.
It has been many months. That I have been hid the truth from myself and other. It causes a heavy and sinking feeling throughout my body. I have deceived many people. I have become so much of who I tried so hard not to become, that I have lost myself. All starting with the temptation of the flesh. I had given into lust for too long. I shared myself with one man, and then another. In the same time frame, without their knowledge. I have shared my emotional being with men other than the men I share myself with. And without remorse, have maintained all in secret for 2 months. I am defeated by guilt. No longer can I justify my actions, as I am no longer being controlled or manipulated by the individual that I shall not mention. My only solace is freedom from the chains of seekers.
For the sake of my sanity and heart, i am going to list the things that have raised my awareness in the relationship that i am currently in. And will most likely be in for a while. (5+ MONTHS)
1. Messy nature
2. Inability to recognize nonverbal communication/poor social skills
3. Is mothers doormat
4. Sparatic work ethic
5. Meltdowns upon triggers -see 3.
+ Affectionate
+ Great friend
+ Protective of me
+ Caring
- Is not the same place in his life as i am
- Not religious
- Indulgent spending
My mom warned me that i am going to want to marry a man that is going to be able to help me with the kids, and help support me. That he does not seem to be capable of doing that. And that it is okay for me not to want to be with him as a result.
My mom also told me that man is going to have more respect for you, if you are not always doing all the work or putting forth all of the effort. I realized that this has been something i have always done, and has always had the same reaction from the man/men. Another thing that i have noticed is if i am the one doing all of the talking, or all the listening. There should be a balance. Notice the amount and length of the conversations. Pay attention to how much effort they are putting fofrth, and how much you are putting forth.
A conversation with a friend earlier today was about changing your habit to get the results that you want. Which of course, i already know. But they went more in depth about how to actually do it. By unlearning the bad habits. Doing so by replacing them with good ones, through learning from experience. I have made the decision to learn.
I have also decided that i have not been happy with the way that my life has been over the past few years, despite what i thought. I also learned that i have not been honest with myself about what i have wanted. Rather made it clear to myself, what i do not want.
I do not want to have a casual relationship with anyone, even at the time being. I want to be planning for the future.
Another habit that i am going to need to change is overthinking.
I have noticed that over the past week or two, i would rather spend time being alone than spending time with the man that i am supposed to be dating. Also that i have been not wanting to speak with alot of the people that i have been speaking with over the years. I do not know exactly what all of this means, but I am going to listen to my gut feeling.
I have noticed more and more lately, i have been seculuding myself from my friends and some of the activities, that i love. One of them being working out. I used to love working out. The high of loosing weight is gone. I have tried many different things in order to get out of the Plato that i seem to be stuck in, but to no avail. I had decided to try to get out of the plato, by loosing or gaining. And i have been unsuccessful.
Lately i have been stuck in the motions. I eat, take care of business, go to work, come home, go to sleep. I seem to not be enjoying anything. Not anyone, not the food. Me not wanting to talk to anyone, is a drastic change. Lack of energy, as well as stamina. These are all signs of depression. I am uncomfortable telling any of my friends or family about what is gong on with me. It has been five weeks, and counting. I am unsure if i am loosing weight or gaining weight. Tonight was the first time that i mentioned it to anyone, and i was very quick and short in doing so. This is not TBI related, i do not think. A friend of four years and i talked. He told me that his wife has been cheating on him, and that if he didnt love her so much that he would make her leave. Also that he has been suffering from heart pain, followed by a week of not hearing from him. I have been pulled in all kinds of directions with my friends and starting a new DnD group. There has been alot of change going on, and i think that i am having a hard time finding my balance again. I am thinking about moving. Today i went and looked at some condos in madsion, ones that i could see myself living in. Just need to sell my house to be able to do that. Actually i am realizing that i have been in this spiral since november. I guess i lost a bit of who i was in the relationship that i had with andrew, and have not fully found myself since. I need to take some time for myself, to find myself.
I have been thinking to myself lately, that i have been pushing away the people that i should be focussing my time and energy on. Also that i isolate myself due to the negative social impact of having tbi. I really dont want to play victum, but this is something that i have not been able to get over. I have not been able to accept that it isnt going to change.
A friend of mine is poly. he shared with me his beliefs and his lifestyle. His husband (he is female) and him have 3 kids. They have been polyamorous since the beginning. He describes it as 'as long as he is happy, im happy' he doesnt get jealous about his husband being with other men. His husband doesnt get jealous about him being with other men. My friend is a very caring and open minded guy. He is unhappy in his marriage though, and would get out of the relationship except for reasons unrelated to their relationship. Many years ago, i was talking to my friend, who is a religious man. He stated have you ever met a homosexual man who was truely happy? I replied well no, but i have never met a heterosexual man who was truely happy. Relating what him and i were talking about. I dont think it was the sexual orientation or the status of the relationship that making a difference. Polyamory or Monogomy, The upside to polygamy would be that there is not as much heartache and jealousy. Which are both negative emotions that are considered to be healthy or normal with monogous relationships. Coming from a place of abundance rather than scarcity, as far as the physical side goes. But doesnt taking the negative emotions out of the equation, leave not much positive emotions. Where is the bond you are supposed to feel, or a connection with someone that i like no other, and has time to grow and mature. Personally i dont like societal pressures. And i believe that both positive and negative social impact is damaging to ones self. To each his own, i always say.
Lately i have been trying different strategies to feel comfortable with the woman that i am becoming. Recently it has been taking medicine, and seeing a therapist. As well as guided sleep imagery, that has changed my life forever. I google what other kinds of guided imagery was good for personal development. Meditation came up as a suggestion. During one of the videos i was asked to imagine 2 objects. The sun, a lighthouse, and a disco ball. The sun represents warmth and always being there no matter what. Which person do you think of as the sun. The lighthouse, you look to it for guidance, to find your way home(your authentic self). Who is your lighthouse? A disco ball. What is the energy in the room of this object, do you hear music playing. Is there someone in your life that reminds you of a disco ball? Brings fun no matter where they go. I was thinking to myself while i was hearing this that i can only imagine one of those items being represented by people in my life. And that is the lighthouse, the guidance. And that would be my mom. I do not have someone that shows up everyday and keeps me warm. I do not have someone in my life that always brings positive energy when i am around them. There is noone in my life that i want to be around every day, not even my mom.i was asked to imagine 3 objects. The sun, a lighthouse, and a disco ball. The sun represents warmth and always being there no matter what. Which person do you think of as the sun. The lighthouse, you look to it for guidance, to find your way home(your authentic self). Who is your lighthouse? A disco ball. What is the energy in the room of this object, do you hear music playing. Is there someone in your life that reminds you of a disco ball? Brings fun no matter where they go. I was thinking to myself while i was hearing this that i can only imagine one of those items being represented by people in my life. And that is the lighthouse, the guidance. And that would be my mom. I do not have someone that shows up everyday and keeps me warm. I do not have someone in my life that always brings positive energy when i am around them. There is noone in my life that i want to be around every day, not even my mom.
Is there someone in your life that could use the love like the sun gives the world light? Is there someone in your life that could use a little guidance, like the light house house guides sailors back to the shore? Do you know someone that needs you to be their disco ball?
Love and be loved unconditionally. Smile!
It might be a good idea to write down all of the problems that i have been having with myself. And see if i cant think through them enough to find solutions. 1. The number of guys that are in my life, and what role they play in it.
Roger- xboyfiend. legitamate friend
Bryce- potential boyfriend
Caleb- legitamte friend, with benefits
2. My house, whether to fix up to seell or fix up to live in.
Fix up and keep because it is cheaper and less hassle than trying to move. its just me anyway
3. Work, do i go for one that is fulltime or stay with the one im at because i am indespensable and have become attached to the families.
New job, because my needs cannot be met by the job i have now.
Had a 2 hour conversation with a friend of mine about politics and religion. I asked him the question "what is freedom" he did not have an answer for me. I asked another friend the same question today. He said "The ability to do what you want". When i think about freedom, i think of choice. Freedom for me is being able to choose.
Again it has been proven that God's grace flows through me. I am reminded that he is always there, and that i am important. Wanted. Talented. Loved. I survived another car wreck, almost effortlessly. The lord worked through me, i am so blessed. And i am beautiful.
This experience has shown me even greater who is meant to be in my life and who is not. Those to help me, and grown along side me, are closer than ever. I can not wait to see what other plans God has for me this year!
I have had several conversations with people who seem to be struggling with something or someone in their life. My advice to each one of them has been to let go of anger, insecurities, judgement, and excuses. Believe in yourself and your capabilities.
I am learning to balance myself and my life with someone by my side, every step of the way. It is not easy, but it is what i want long term. I thank my mom and my friends for helping me realize that, and supporting my decisions.
Its been a while since i have mustered up the time to blog. I have decided that balance is the most important thing to me. I dont want to have a balance of the wrong things in my life, as well.
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